Dumb and Dumber Things Guys Say about their Wives’ Weight (and how not to say them)

Meet Jim. He’s the average nice guy . . . good provider, loving husband, faithful church member, caring father. After work one day his wife of 20 years asks him to run to Safeway to pick up a gallon of milk. He replies, “Sure, honey. Be glad to.” Little did he expect, however, that this experience would prompt him to make a dumb comment about his wife’s weight.

As he pulls his Jeep into the Safeway parking lot, he notices a new billboard for Hooters. Shoot, he thinks, now I’ll see that everyday. After he grabs the milk, he detours to the magazine section to scan the recent Field and Stream. Immediately, though, his eyes catch Sports Illustrated’s current cover, the swimsuit edition. He says to himself, I shouldn’t look at that. As he shifts his eyes, he notices the cover of a hot rod magazine that showcases more hot girls than hot cars. He decides not to linger any longer at the magazine section and heads to the checkout line.

As he waits and scans the cover of National Enquirer perched next to the Tic-Tacs, the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine lures his eyes to the cleavage-revealing supermodel on the front. After he pays for the milk and walks to his S.U.V., a scantily clad, curvaceous women strolls by him. He thinks, Good grief. I’m getting bombarded today!

After dinner and some time with the kids, he sits down to watch “C.S.I.” The storyline that night involves a strip club murder with several images of strippers. As he channel surfs, a Victoria’s Secret commercial adds to the sensual assault.

After the show he heads to bed and notices as his wife changes clothes that she looks pudgy in spots, nothing like the magazine models. Then he makes his dumb comment. “Honey, are you staying on your diet?” Oops . . . he’ll spend a few days in the doghouse for that one.

Uncommon experience? Not for many guys. Our culture confronts us daily with air brushed images of personal-trainer-sculpted, breast enhanced, hard bodied women. When we compare these fantasy body images to our wives’ bodies, we can damage our marriages with hurtful comments. Although I’ve let a few slip myself, I’ve discovered that some well-placed questions I now ask myself can reduce those comments. Those questions follow these true dumb comments husbands made about their wives’ weight.

Kinda’ dumb comment: “Honey, weight loss is simple. Just eat less and exercise more.”

This husband reduces life to cause and effect equations. As an engineer, his left brain tells him his wife’s weight problem lies in a solution as simple as E=MC². The only problem? His wife was probably an art major.

Plain ol’ dumb comment: “How much do you weigh now?”

This guy just wants the facts, like the man who kept a daily record of his pregnant wife’s weight on a spreadsheet. He reasoned this would provide a good way to keep tabs on junior’s weight. Yeah, sure.

Stupid dumb comment: After a guy’s wife lost a lot of weight he said, “You sure were one big girl.”

He tried to compliment his wife for her weight loss but he blew it. He didn’t realize that she now knows how he really felt about her with those extra pounds.

About-as-dumb-as-you-can-get-dumb comment: “What are those flappy things hanging under your arms? Looks like they’re swinging in the wind.”

This guy left his brain somewhere. Enough said.

Fortunately, my wife Sherryl loves me enough to confront me when I say something unkind about her body. Such experiences helped me frame these four questions I now ask myself which minimizes my verbal blunders.

Do I guard my eyes?

In an average day men see scores of sensual media messages. Jesus cautioned us to guard our eyes that he described as “lamps,” which let “sunshine into your soul” (NLT, Mark 11:34). The more we guard them, the less likely the temptation to compare our wives to these fantasy images.

At my request, my wife and daughters have put away their women’s fitness magazines with sensual covers. When I browse a store’s magazine racks, I don’t linger around those with the buxom women. I always delete the “How’s it going?” emails from such email addresses as Cutie123@aol.com. An internet filter will also help.

My wife and I enjoy movies, but before I decide to go I check it out on www.screenit.com which lists all the sexual material in a movie. I asked the cable company to block the stations that carry sensual programs. I also review the content of TV programs before I watch them. Although I still struggle with temptation, these choices help decrease that struggle.

Do I give my wife emotional support?

Researchers discovered that happily married women gained only about a pound a year during 12 years of marriage whereas unhappily married women gained over three times as much. Dr. Louis McBurney, a Christian physician wrote, “Three factors are frequently associated with weight gain in women: pregnancy and childbirth, genetic patterns, and eating associated with emotional issues.”

We can’t change our wives’ genetic patterns nor the weight gain that comes when they bear our kids, but we can provide emotional support. Non-sexual touches and a listening ear give our wives emotional nurture which lessens their temptation to use food to meet emotional needs.

Do I encourage a healthy lifestyle by my example?

God designed women with more fat cells than men–about 17,000,000 more. Their weight tends to cling to their hips and thighs whereas ours shows up as an innertube around our waists. If I model a healthy lifestyle through my diet and exercise, it encourages my wife to do the same. If I never exercise and keep lots of junk food in the house, it can tempt my wife to indulge in unhealthy lifestyle patterns.

I swim for exercise and my wife attends a local health club. We also ride bikes together. We eat a healthy diet with little fried food, stick to lean meats and stock fresh fruit for snacks although I still enjoy pizza buffets.

Do I compliment rather than criticize?

Researchers discovered the greatest predictor of a healthy marriage lies not in the amount of affection, how couples fight or how much in love they are when they begin their marriage. Rather, they discovered that among the couples that stayed together, only 5 out of every 100 comments to each other were putdowns. Among couples later divorced, 10 out of every 100 comments were insults. That gap magnified over the first ten years of marriage until unhappy couples would fling five times as many hurtful comments at each other as did happy couples.

My wife feels motivated toward healthy life choices much more when I compliment her successes rather than when I point out her failures. As Proverbs 16:24 says, “Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” (Proverbs 16:24, NLT).

Sometimes I still let dumb comments slip. But, as I ask myself these questions I act less “dumb and dumber” and become more “smart and smarter.”

Musings from One of the Best Books I’ve Read this Year-Deep Church

I like to read, though I don’t read as much as I should. I’ll probably read 20 or so books a year and after a few days or weeks, much of what I read doesn’t do much for me. Not this book, though. Deep Church thoughtfully and gracefully written by Jim Belcher, is one that will stick. The book’s subtitle, A Third Way beyond Emerging and Traditional captures its essence.

In his introduction, he aptly describes who should read the book. “The book is written for those who are caught in between. They are unhappy with the present state of the evangelical church but are not sure where to turn for an answer. They like some of what the emerging and traditional camps offer, but they are not completely at ease with either.”

In this blog, I’m not giving a formal review nor am I trying to capture all the main points. Rather, I’ve simply listed in bullet fashion some of the his insights that struck me most. And I don’t always quote directly.

I highly recommend this book, so much so that I’m purchasing a copy for each of our deacons, elders, and staff. On the book’s web site, www.deepchurch.com, he lists an impressive group of endorsers including Tim Keller, Mark Driscoll, Rob Bell, and Ed Stetzer.

So, here you go.

• The emerging church is protesting these issues: captivity to enlightenment rationalism, a narrow view of salvation, belief before belonging, uncontextualized worship, ineffective preaching, weak ecclesiology, and tribalism.
• Three groups make up the emerging family: relevants (they take the Gospel in the historic form of church and attempt to make it understandable in emerging culture), reconstructionists (they take the same Gospel but question and reconstruct much of the form of the church), revisionists (they question and revise the Gospel and the church). He credits Ed Stetzer for this.
• On unity: “No unity is possible without boundaries of thought and belief around something. There is always a limit to what any group can tolerate without being torn apart.”
• “Apart from revelation, there is nothing to hold a particular tradition, community or history accountable. There is no prophetic voice.”
• Belonging is great. Just don’t shortchange belief.
• Bible+tradition+mission=deep ecclesiology.
• There is a place for critiquing culture but we are called to also create it.
• The church is both institution and organism (Abraham Kuyper).
• Evangelicalism best thrives when it is simultaneously distinct from and engaged with the wider society (Christian Smith).

This snippets only scratch the surface of the insights Jim offers in Deep Church. If you struggle with wanting to embrace some of the emerging church’s learnings yet don’t want to lose your moorings to Scripture and sound theology, you should have this book in your library and its content in your mind.

How Many Marbles do you Have Left?

I get a weekly email from a guy named Mac Anderson, founder of Simple Truths (www.simpletruths.com). In a recent one, he wrote this story that he heard from someone else. I’ve heard variations of it before, but it’s worth repeating. Here’s what he wrote as he retold the story.

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday morning. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whomever he was talking with something about “a thousand marbles.” I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.

“Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It’s too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital,” he continued; “Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.” And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a “thousand marbles.”

“You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.

Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3,900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part.

It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail,” he went on, “and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1,000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.

Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.

There’s nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.

Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.

It was nice to meet you Tom. I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 year old man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!”

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.”

“What brought this on?” she asked with a smile.

“Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles.”

Are You a Catalytic Leader?

Ed Stetzer is one of the most creative minds in the church world today. An author and a researcher with Lifeway, he is a smart dude. Next year I plan to attend a course at Trinity Seminary that he will teach on Missional Leadership.

One of the required books I’m reading is The Starfish and the Spider: The Unstoppable Power of Leadership Organizations by Ori Brafman and Rod Beckstrom. The book, as the title states, highlights the value of what they call ‘leaderless’ organizations. Although I’m not endorsing leaderless organizations, one chapter describes tools that successful non-leader leaders use to catalyze their respective organizations.

I found the qualities they suggest would probably to any leader.

1. Genuine interest in others
2. Loose connections (they don’t limit themselves to a few close friends but have many connections)
3. Mapping (catalysts think of who they know, who those people know, how they all relate to one another, and how they fit into a huge mental map)
4. Desire to help others
5. Passion
6. Meet people where they are (there is a difference between passionate and pushy; catalyst rely less on persuasion and more on meeting people where they are )
7. Emotional intelligence
8. Trust
9. Inspiration (catalysts often inspire others to work toward a goal that often doesn’t involve their own personal gain)
10. Tolerance for ambiguity (they learn to be OK when they don’t have concrete answers to big questions)
11. Hands-Off approach (they are less apt to use command and control)
12. Receding (after they accomplish what they intended, they get out of the way)

The authors also contrast CEO’s to Catalysts.

CEO’s  vs    Catalysts

• the boss vs a peer
• command-and-control vs trust
• rational vs emotionally intelligent
• powerful vs inspirational
• directive vs collaborative
• in the spotlight vs behind the scenes
• order vs ambiguity
• organizing vs connecting

What do you think about leader-less organizations? Do you think leadership is either one or the other? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

What I Learned from Kids Who Survived Cancer

My youngest daughter, Tiffany, has survived a brain tumor. Between age 1 and age 23 she underwent four brain surgeries, two by the famous brain surgeon, Dr. Ben Carson who authored the book Gifted Hands (a must read).

Tiffany has a heart for hurting people. A few times a month she takes he dog, LuLu, to the hospital to visit patients. She often makes cookies for men from a rescue mission that we bring to our church. And, she serves as a counselor each summer at a camp for kids who survived cancer.

Each year this organization, Camp Quality, invites the kids, counselors and family to a dinner/dance the day after Thanksgiving.This year I took Tiffany. After dinner, Tiffany, the other counselors, and the kids took to the dance floor.

That’s when, as I fought back tears, I jotted down these thoughts in my iphone.

• We all yearn for a place where others accept us “as is.” All these kids had this in common, they battle cancer. Many that night carried the obvious evidences with them–bald heads and puffy faces due to chemo, wheelchair confinement, or visible scars from surgery. But these things didn’t matter to them. It was as if they were oblivious to each others’ physical limitations. They accepted each other “as is.” (Jer. 31.3, I have loved you with an everlasting love.)
• We all need moments when something transports us away from thoughts about our problems. One rule the camp rigidly enforces; “We will not talk about our illness.” That same spirit carried over into the comments by the director that night as she spoke of joy, hope, and future. That same spirit pulsated from the dance floor as these kids jumped, danced, and twirled to the beat of the music and the direction of the rotund DJ. (Phil. 4.8, Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.)
• God’s image that He implanted into every human heart shows itself when we sacrificially give ourselves away to others. Each camper is assigned an adult that spends 24/7 with that child during camp. At this dinner the adults sit next to their ‘companion,’ as they are called, and they joyfully dance with them on the dance floor. You can see Tiffany and her companion here. One counselor whom Tiffany introduced to me, had served 15 years straight. Her effervescent personality oozed love for these kids. (Gal. 6.2, Carry each other’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.)
• God wants us to celebrate each other’s milestones with great joy. Each year at the dinner, they play Pomp and Circumstances as the camp’s high school seniors march to the podium. This year only one made it. Two others couldn’t attend due to their illness. The high school senior whom the group celebrated that night had attended camp 13 years straight. Although surgery scars marred her face, she walked across the room and held her head high for she had not only survived, but thrived. After she received her ‘diploma’ the DJ began the dance music and this senior, dressed in her graduation robe, became the center of attention. The kids rushed into a circle as they danced and celebrated her milestone. My thoughts drifted back to when Tiffany graduated from high school. We weren’t sure that she would make it that night because the effects of her brain surgery often left her unable to stand on her own. The teachers had assigned a big football player type to stand at her side and help her if needed. But, with a sense of great accomplishment, she walked across the platform on her own and received her diploma. I rejoiced. Then I cried. (Rom. 12.15, Rejoice with those who rejoice.)

With my three degrees, I never expected to learn about acceptance, thinking about the good, sacrificial service, and celebration from kids who have cancer. Yet that night I committed, for Tiffany’s sake, to stay as long as she relished those magical moments with people who accepted her unconditionally.

Modifying the line from My Fair Lady, “I could have danced all night,” I could have stayed all night as Tiffany danced all night.

How an Improv Class Improved my Preaching and Enhanced my Life

Drew Carey hosted a TV show called Whose Line is it Anyway that ran for several years until 2006. You can still see re-runs on cable.

The show, based on what is called ’short-form’ improv, included four characters, most memorable being Wayne Brady. They would take suggestions from the audience and would create characters, scenes, and songs on the spot.

The few times I watched it, I couldn’t believe they just made that stuff up.

Well, about four years ago while at lunch with a professional speaker who attends our church, I asked him what he’d suggest I do to improve my speaking. He told me that attending an improv class in downtown Chicago was a great help for him.

I tucked that thought away until about a year ago I learned that a local comedy club, the Comedy Shrine in Naperville, IL offered improv classes. I signed up, and have been taking classes ever since.

To give context, I’ve always considered myself a very funny guy. The only problem is that hardly anybody else did. I can tell a joke in a sermon that I thought would bring the audience down only to hear cricket sounds in response rather than laughter. When I did get laughter my son would often say, “Dad, don’t let it go to your head. Those were courtesy laughs.”

I’ve finally surmised that my humor is at such a high level that most people simple can’t grasp it.

As I’ve almost completed five series of improv classes, the most recent a musical improv one, I’ve learned these lessons that have improved my preaching and made me a more rounded person.

1. I’ve learned to separate the language a person uses from their value in God’s eyes. Sometimes the language used in classes can burn your ears. I remind myself, though, that God deeply loves people, regardless of the language they use.
2. The classes have helped me connect more with current culture. Often we pastors can get so focused in the Word that we lose touch with what the world is thinking. We must be in the world but not of it.
3. I’ve built friendships with people who aren’t interested in God, and I really like them. I pray regularly for opportunities to engage them spiritually, yet even without the spiritual connection I have with those who know Christ, I truly enjoy being with these guys. I’ve had some great conversations about Christianity and two of my classmates have even attended our church.
4. I’ve been able to break the mold many people hold about ministers. I’m afraid many outside the church see pastors as legalist finger-pointers. At first when my class found out I was a pastor, everybody felt a bit awkward. But, now that they see I’m a normal guy that likes to have fun doing improv, I believe I’ve helped tear down the ’sometimes true’ stereotype many hold about us pastors.
5. I’ve actually heard more laughs when I preach, even when I don’t tell a planned joke.
6. I’m more comfortable and loose when I preach. My engineering background lends itself to more linear sermons and a linear delivery style. Now, I’m more open to allowing God to use more of my creative right-brain when I preach rather than relying on my left-brain logic side.
7. Improv teaches you to respond to what your scene partner says or does, rather than to pre-plan how you will respond. As a result, instead of always pre-planning what I want to say, I’m learning to be more spontaneous with my thoughts and words. I’m finding that those spontaneous thoughts can become some of the most powerful. Perhaps I’m listening more to the Holy Spirit’s voice.
8. I’m learning to laugh at myself more and not take myself so seriously.

If you have a hankering for such an experience, give it a try. I bet you’ll find the experience will enrich your life as well.

Is the Best Term “Christian” or “Follower of Christ?”

As a pastor of a mid-sized church, I try to read broadly enough to understand the current Christian vernacular. My current read, Deep Church, unpacks the terminology of emerging/emergent church and those that think more traditionally and suggests an in-between position. I recommend it.

Through my reading, I’ve noticed the past few years that the church’s vernacular seems to be in constant flux, depending on who you read or listen to. The church growth movement taught me avoid certain words or phrases for fear of turning off the listener. Other recent voices suggest new terminology as well.

• Some replace such terms as justification, sanctification, and atonement with other words with less syllables.
• The term seeker was/is used as a preferred word for  a lost person.
• Salvation is now cross the line of faith.
• The newest replacement phrase is follower of Christ in lieu of Christian or believer.

When I preach and teach, I try to use theological terms that make sense to the listener. If you listen to any of my messages, you’ll probably find that my word choice matches the above.

But the last one, follower of Christ, even though I sometimes use it, feels disingenuous to me.

I’m not sure why I feel that way.

Is it because I’ve used believer and Christian for so long that subconsciously I don’t like change?

Is is it because I feel like I’m trying to be theologically hip by using the coolest new words or phrases? (I am not the coolest pastor around. I don’t drink beer, smoke cigars, or study at Starbucks while having deep spiritual conversations with the barista. A future blog post.)

Or, is it just too new for me to feel comfortable using it?

I’m still wrestling with this one. I’d welcome your thoughts.

Is Propositional Truth Passé?

At a recent church leadership conference, I heard an author criticize those who believe in propositional truth.

This speaker built a straw man and then tore it down with arrogance and a dismissive spirit.

He even made a comment something like, “Those who teach and believe this stuff are misguided, misplaced, and downright wrong.” He accused those who believe in propositional truth of making propositions and then beating the (heck) out of people. Interestingly, he used propositions to make his point.

On the other hand, I’m reading a refreshing book, Deep Church-a Third Way Beyond Emerging and Traditional, by a guy named Jim Belcher. He graciosly uncovers the weaknesses of both traditional foundationalists and extreme emergents as well as drawing out the best from each.

I look forward to delving deeper into Deep Church. It would be a great book to add to your library.

Does Social Media Hinder or Help Community in the Local Church?

I just had a great conversation in the doctoral seminar I’m attending at Trinity Seminary. Dr. Bill Donahue, Willow Creek’s guru on small groups is teaching the seminar.

We talked about whether or not real community can happen through social media (facebook, twitter, etc). He didn’t have an answer, but here are some thoughts that surfaced.

• The verdict is still out as to whether or not social media helps or hinders community. Recently in a Story Chicago conference one of Lifechurch.tv’s guys who works in their online ministry said that they are still asking questions about its effectiveness.
• Social media has the potential of fostering and opening up community.
• People tend to open up more quickly through social media than they do when in person.
• Social media could hinder people from learning to appropriately communicate honest feelings when in the presence of others.
• Using social media to foster community probably scares boomers.

Do you have any thoughts?

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